My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
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my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.