My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
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9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Who’s ready for Friday?!
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble