@JennyPentland

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

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@iwearaonesie

if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”

@ThisOneSayz

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

@SlappNuttz

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

@Lhlodder

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

@BigJDubz

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

@TheMichaelRock

People like to make fun of my fanny pack until they need a napkin or a chicken nugget.

@molly7anne

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

@freshhel

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

@catlikethiefx0

The 1st rule of Female Fight Club is: You didn’t hear this from me! Seriously do NOT tell anyone I told you, I promised I wouldn’t tell.