My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
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My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Nomnomnomnom
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”