Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.