Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

when someone compliments me

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.