Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.