My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
You Might Also Like
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.