Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

This has made my week.

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise