My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
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NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Straight people are cancelled
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…