My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
You Might Also Like
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
work smarter, not harder
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole