Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

me and the Superbowl rn

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

road rage

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”