My humor is broken
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Home is where your toilet is.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I’m not average. I’m mean.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.