My humor is broken
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Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero