My humor is broken
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What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
S/o to @funTweeters .
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness