My humor is broken
You Might Also Like
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray