Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

PLOT TWIST:

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

Flock of bats

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits