My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
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Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
When you’re Kinky but poor
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.