My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
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me to God
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.