Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

I can’t stop laughing at this

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968