My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
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Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
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In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT![]()
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.