Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

🍞🦆

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.