Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

You tell ppl you not tryna drink and they act like you just turned down 100k

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.