Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

oppen heimer style lol

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.