My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
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I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
