Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

Husband of the year 😂

I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours