Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.