Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

Woke up against my better judgement again

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees