My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
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When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god