My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
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Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.