Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally!

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

Yoga Matt

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.