Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.