My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
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Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.