My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
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This made me chuckle cuz mood
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
goldfish mafia
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
the three genders
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?