Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

The 4 stages of a family vacation

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful