Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

grandpa was shocked

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no