Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products