Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

mood

LOL

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.