ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
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me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.