@3sunzzz

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

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@ShutUpThatsWho

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

@DothTheDoth

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

@SonOfCha

They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.

@SignsofNature

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

@jordan_stratton

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

@dxxnya

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

@IamJackBoot

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

@GregDunbar1

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

@JustMeTurtle

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.