My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
You Might Also Like
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
2022: I can fix it
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Well, this is awkward
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
that would 100% work on me
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.