My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
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If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
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