Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

I try

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

These aliens are taking forever.

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.