My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
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[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
live long and prosper!
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you