Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.