I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
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My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Did I do this right
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
The old gods are rising again.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.