My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Oh thanks BBC.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?