My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
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Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Blocked: 1985
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.