My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
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Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
im all 3
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Showerkraut
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.