My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
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Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
if i had a bf i’d be a gf
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
how much for the angry fruit?
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.