Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

The jeans are skinny. I’m not

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.