My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
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WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”