My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
