My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
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Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.