Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.