My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
You Might Also Like
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I am, perchance
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.