@mommajessiec

My husband and I decided to be more honest with each other. In related news, he’s been sleeping on the couch.

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@cpabry

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

@UnrealTJH

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

@squirrel74wkgn

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

@cray_at_home_ma

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

@VikingJonesy

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

@GloriaFallon123

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

@weinerdog4life

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

@themocker69

We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.

@notalogin

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

@stevevsninjas

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.