My husband and I decided to be more honest with each other. In related news, he’s been sleeping on the couch.

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Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”


{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.


My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.


I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.


Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire


You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.


The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science


We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.


Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.


I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.