My husband and I decided to be more honest with each other. In related news, he’s been sleeping on the couch.

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REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.


Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.


doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS


I’m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat’s hair grows back.


Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did


Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?


A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.