I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
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Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I’m not proud
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Me trying to look natural in photos
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”