My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
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Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep