Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

sailors wish they could swear like me

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What