My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
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Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Bringing home a sharpie
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.