My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
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WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
OH. COME. ON.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!