My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
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Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Name this drama.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview