My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
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[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?