Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

You can’t outrun your problems…

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

A drum solo but on your face.

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.