My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
You Might Also Like
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
🤣could you imagine
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
what could possibly go wrong?
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
This will never not be funny 😭
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.