My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
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I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
tag yourself
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes