My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
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YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
pain
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE