My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
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Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My beach vacation Google searches
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
realest tweet ever.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM