Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

this is literally a CIA plant

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so