Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

There’s only one good girl here!

ㅤㅤ

R.I.P.

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.