Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now