Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

LOL

This is the coolest video you will see today.

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

synchronized noseblowing

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.