Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spotted in the wild

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

Y’all ready for this

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.