Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

“just sayin” who asked you though?

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z