My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
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Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]