My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
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Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Still a very good boi….