My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
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It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I’m never leaving this app.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
