Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

[Wine tasting]

Me: Yep. Wine.

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

Morning.

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong