The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
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I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30