Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

Goodnight 🐶

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?