My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
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Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Got ya covered
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?