My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
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A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
For the ones in the back.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.