Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

Real 😅

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.