Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

🤣🤣🤣

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]