Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no